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Post-Holiday Funk   
12:27am 07/01/2012
mood: angry
I'm in the post-holiday funk and feeling terribly homesick for New York (mainly Rochester), and of course I'm not sleeping very well because my mind is going a mile-a-minute. And you know what? I am pissed as fuck as my aunt.

See, she sent me a Christmas present. I took this as an attempt to reconcile things, so I sent her a friend request on facebook.

And got NOTHING back.


I'm just so angry, I feel like she's jerking me around. And it pisses me off. I don't know what she wants, but I am firmly telling myself not to care. I am pissed that she ripped my life in two, didn't pay me back my money, forcing me into debt for the move. I am pissed that she acted like I was some kind of terrible deadbeat person, when in reality living with HER was making me sicker, because I was constantly trying to do the "right" thing in her eyes.

I know now that being out of there is better, but it doesn't make it hurt any less when I miss Rochester. It doesn't make it hurt any less when I miss culture and not being in freaking MONTANA.

The worst part is that I know what I have to do- I just have to ACCEPT that she is never going to know my side of things. I'm never going to be able to make her sit down and listen to my grievances, and she is probably going to go to her grave holding a grudge against me just like she has against her parents and her siblings for not loving her enough or something stupid like that. And that KILLS me. I know I have to accept it, and I hope that someday I will, but it really bothers me that I have no recourse here. I can't make her listen. I don't have that control, and she is the queen of ignoring things she doesn't want to hear.

And frankly, that burns me up inside. Like I said, I know there's not a damned thing I can do about it, and I suppose I'll just keep writing letters to her that I'm never going to mail and hope that eventually it becomes possible to finally let it go. But for now, it's just pissing me off.


Anyway, in other news, I applied for a job I want and I also found that Cascade County is looking for an extension agent, but of course they want you to have a Masters, so IDK. I'm hoping I get the job I applied for... it's the first one I've applied for that I actually want, so fingers crossed. Thankfully the new year has come with a glut of job postings, so hopefully I'll find something before I have to go back to N.E.W.

(2 Sugar Daddies | Give me Sugar)

And now, related to Christmas   
04:03am 25/12/2011
mood: awake
Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, all that jazz.

I hope you're all eating wonderful food and getting awesome pressies.

(Give me Sugar)

Need to figure something out   
03:44am 15/12/2011
mood: aggravated
I need to figure out some sort of system for meal planning because this whole 'play it by ear' thing isn't working and I'm sick of just shuffling off to the fridge to look for something that I 'feel like' eating.


I had to go grocery shopping.. well yesterday at this point, and when I was making my list I literally had no idea what to get. I can't survive off turkey dogs, cereal, and frozen yogurt. I get sick of it, and I know it's just not good for me.


I am sick of having to go to different grocery stores to get everything I need. Wal-Mart is generally where we go because, despite the fact that I loathe shopping there, it has everything and the prices ARE actually lower (sigh). I scour the weekly ads for Albertsons and Smith's and generally try to make trips to each of those places; Wal-Mart does not have a brand of bread that I like. Smith's and Albertson's both do. So that's already one thing I have to get somewhere besides Wal-Mart. Wal-Mart also does not sell clementines. Do not ask me why. I don't know if there is some sort of freaky situation where they just refuse to sell them or if the growers won't lower their price enough or what, but if I want Clementines I have to go to Smith's (possibly Albertson's, but I haven't bothered to look for them there because they are on sale at Smith's).

God I just cannot wait to get the fuck out of Montana.

(1 Sugar Daddie | Give me Sugar)

02:14pm 09/12/2011
mood: anxious
I know that it may be in part because I need to distract from myself but I think I definitely am going to need to find a career that helps people somehow, whether it's just helping farmers figure out what to spray or helping people solve problems.. I need that. I need to be thinking, coming up with solutions, etc. I don't know yet where that is going to go, but I basically need that stimulation to take my mind off myself once in a while. Obviously it will be important not to let myself get too caught up, so that I don't ignore myself completely, but I think I spend way too much time in my own damned head for this stuff.

That said... obviously right now I am still looking for jobs but in the long term I am thinking I might go into mental health counseling.. I mean, it would be wonderful to give back to the profession that has done so much to me, plus there'd be the added bonus that I would have a background to become an activist for people with mental health issues, AND I could work in my background with plants to start pushing that as a therapeutic aid. I mean, there is already research out there- a PhD student I knew at Cornell was doing her research on how plants affected mental and physical health - she would go to the South Pole research station and maintain the greenhouse there, and she was showing that not only did people suffer less depression if they got to spend time with the plants, but it lessened the thyroid problems and all that.

SO, I dunno. That's a way off at the moment, but it's definitely something I'm thinking about. Once I get past the feeling that I'm not fit to help other people when I'm such a mess myself.

(Give me Sugar)

Medication and life musings   
09:46pm 07/12/2011
mood: blank
Well, first off, yesterday I had an appointment with one of the medication nurses and I am officially back on Cymbalta, so yay. I look forward to being less crazy feeling and anxious in a few weeks when they kick in.

Past that I've just been thinking a lot about job stuff and what I want to do with my life and getting kind of discouraged.

I mean, okay, I have a few main problems. I don't like living here with Jeremy's parents, I don't have a vehicle, so I'm limited to what jobs I can apply for (have to be walking distance or hours that could work around Jeremy's parents), and I don't have a job so I can't rectify either of those situations. Right now me and Jeremy are barely making ends meet, granted, it's Christmas so we've had bigger expenses than normal- and Jeremy's WoW account came out of his checking account so we've basically got $50 to go on until the next paycheck (1.5 weeks). We'll be fine, it's not as dire as it could be since we're not out on our own, but it's frustrating.

And job hunting is soul-sucking because, if we're being honest, I'm not finding anything I even think I could remotely STAND doing. Maybe that'll change once I'm on a more even keel- I probably shouldn't even be looking at this point until I'm mentally stable but I suffer from paranoia that my dream job will just pop up and I won't see it.. Yeah, I know, long shot.

In addition to all this anguish there is the inevitable guilt I feel over, well, feeling so shitty about everything because at least I have a home and at least I get to go out to restaurants sometimes and at least I was able to actually go shopping for Christmas. I mean, sure, I can't afford the winter boots I need right now, but at least I have an OK winter jacket. Maybe I can't afford the space heater to keep my legs warm under my desk, but at least I have a desk and a computer and a warm(ish) place to sleep. I guess it's just hard to be grateful sometimes. I'm trying, though, I really am.

And speaking of doing without this Christmas, who all has been following the Paypal/Regretsy drama? I missed out on donating both times but even I would have pitched in for those children, dammit. I'm glad it's straightened out- Paypal is sending $100 to each of the 200 needy families, and those kids are all going to have a good Christmas. Still, another reminder that I'm not all that bad off..

Which of course just makes me feel guiltier, but still. At least I can feel good about the fact that I helped paypal make that situation right.

Sigh. I really am sorry to be so melancholy all the time on here, I just.. well, getting better is a process and at times like this it is just really difficult to get out of the rut, you know? I'm sure many of you do; it's just the way life is.

Anyway, I just need to give myself credit; though at times I have the desire to give up and it is really tempting to just say "fuck it" and do nothing, forget everything, not try.. I still keep going. There's no harm in having the thought, right? As long as I don't give in and give up.

(Give me Sugar)

Better Day   
01:45am 01/12/2011
mood: aggravated
Jeremy got his watch back- thankfully, since the guy who snatched it is the brother of an actual family friend, he told his mom- and his mom got it back.

The whole thing is just yucky, but at least Jeremy has his watch..

Also, his dad tried to say some thing today about how Buddha says that if you leave your door unlocked, then it is just as much your fault as it is the thief's fault that something got stolen, and therefore it was Jeremy's fault for leaving his watch out on the table...

To which I say, No, it is perfectly reasonable to be able to leave your watch on the table in a house full of people. It sucked that it happened but the only way to prevent it would have been to not invite the guy in at all.


ANYWAY, yeah, so today was a slightly better day.

(1 Sugar Daddie | Give me Sugar)

Oh, and Also   
10:46pm 29/11/2011
mood: aggravated
My aunt sent me a Christmas present of a long black cardigan sweater with a cable on each side and big buttons.

So, you know, there's that? I don't have any idea how to respond but I guess I can't cut her out completely since she seems to be trying to reconcile.

(Give me Sugar)

When Shitty Things Happen   
10:41pm 29/11/2011
mood: bitchy
Sometimes it is really hard to feel good about the world when shit like this happens...

First, I should preface this with saying that Jeremy's family maybe doesn't acquaint themselves with the best "class" of people. They are very polite and as a result they maybe don't push away people that they should- but at the same time they've made friends that last a lifetime and who DON'T screw them over at every turn and who wouldn't otherwise have gotten a chance, so, you know, mileage may vary.

Anyway, today, one of Jeremy's old friends randomly showed up; he is the older brother of a current friend and is widely known to be sort of a screw up, but being the polite people that the Tudors are, when he popped over they invited him inside and Jeremy's younger brother was left to entertain him because his mom was doing housework and I was napping along with the other 2 people in the house. I got up after a bit because he was talking loud anyway, and then Jeremy got home. The guy said "long time no see!" and hung around awkwardly a bit, and then asked Jeremy's brother to look something up for him while he went to have a smoke.

A minute or so after he was out of the door Jeremy noticed that the most expensive watch he's ever owned, a 10-year anniversary gift that he got from his job (YESTERDAY) was missing. After looking for it thoroughly, I told him he could go check the mail to see if the guy was actually out there smoking..

And well I'm sure you can guess the rest. He wasn't smoking. He distracted us with his pointless request about whether or not they ever made a new Tekken game, and then he swiped the fucking watch and left.

We filed a police report and called some pawn shops to be on the lookout for it, but most of the day was spent with Jeremy's family saying how they "Should have known" and stuff and Jeremy more sensibly coming home after work to say that if it came down to giving an old friend the benefit of a doubt or turning him away for no *real* reason that a watch that he didn't pay for in the first place was a small price to pay.. which is really rather sensible because, frankly, they can say all they want that we should have been more careful, shouldn't have let him in, etc, but what it comes down to is that it was a shitty thing for the guy to do and there really wasn't any way we could have known he'd do that - when I'm pretty sure the *real* reason he came over was to use a computer and our phone - the watch was probably an impulse thing.

Anyway I'm going to be extra careful about door locking now and stuff since he HAS been in here and seen all the computers and stuff we have. Jeremy's dad also threw a hissy fit about the downstairs window curtain being pulled back- no one copped to it, so he got even more pissy but most of us are 90% sure it's Jeremy's older brother that's doing it.

That is one thing that drives me crazy, though. Since Jeremy's older brother will outright deny things, no one ever really confronts him about it, and the anger gets spread around the whole house.. very stressful.

But back to the original post- Jeremy's really nice $400 watch that he hadn't even had for 24 hours got stolen right out from under our noses, and that really fucking makes me wonder WHY bad shit has to happen like that. I mean, the fucking nerve!

What really gets me is just the unfairness of it all. I mean, okay, I get it- Life isn't fair, blah blah blah. But DAMNIT. The guy.. just.. How can you do that to someone? NO regard whatsoever for other people.. anyway I'm not proud but I found his email on facebook and I shot off a few anonymous emails telling him he should be ashamed.

Fingers crossed that he pawns it here in town so that we'll get it back; I don't foresee an arrest or anything of that sort, but it would be really nice to get it back.

(Give me Sugar)

04:00am 24/11/2011
mood: apathetic
Well, it is Thanksgiving.

I kind of miss the times when I actually used to look forward to this Holiday, instead of just being "meh" about the whole thing.

It's been extra stressful this year for some reason- Jeremy's mom is kind of obsessed with dishes (probably because she's been the default dish-doer since she stopped working? I dunno. I've been helping lately, though), so every time that Thanksgiving comes up she gets all mopey about the mess or whatever. She's also been really complaining lately that things get messy in the first place, which I of course think is pointless because, let's face it- dishes are gonna get dirty, bookshelves are gonna have books taken off them, and stuff is going to accumulate on the table. It'll get cleaned up for weekly people coming over, but it's going to re-accumulate and acting like it won't is just silly.

And look, I'm the first person to admit that cleaning sucks. But there's no way around it. No matter what you do, stuff is gonna need cleaning again.

Anyway, we ended up ordering a ham dinner from one place and a turkey dinner from another for Thanksgiving instead of doing all the cooking from scratch. I was the one who brought up the idea, so hopefully if it turns out to be a total disaster I won't be the one who gets blamed, though I suppose I won't be surprised if I am (sigh). We picked up the stuff yesterday and it's definitely not the same as what Wegmans does, which sucks, but it's still up in the air as to whether or not that is going to turn out to be a bad thing. We ordered from two grocery stores, as well, and so far Smith's is definitely winning out. We got the ham from there- but their sides are definitely superior. And it came with a pie. All for $5 less than what we spent at Albertson's on the Turkey dinner. Also, Albertson's was all frozen stuff- it wasn't even from the store's local prepared foods stash, it was all just frozen pre-packaged stuff that they probably got shipped.. I mean I'm sure it'll taste fine but Smith's actually had stuff from their prepared foods area- scalloped potatoes, green bean casserole, sweet potato casserole. And while we were at Smith's we picked up some of their cranberry "salad" or whatever they called it, which looks pretty darned fabulous.

I've got no clue if any of this is going to even be that tasty (Well, at least some of it from Smith's is going to be) or if it's going to be just as much of a pain in the ass as regular thanksgiving (Well, the stuff we can microwave won't, but the turkey is going to probably still be half-frozen so even though it's fully cooked we're going to have to cook it almost as long as a raw bird), but I suppose we'll find out, and I hope that if people aren't impressed that I don't get the blame- because I didn't really suggest it, I just brought it up and mentioned my experience back in New York (which was positive).

Anyway, besides all that drama.. I guess what I miss most about holidays is actually being EXCITED for them. I mean, I guess that at least part of the lack of excitement is my own fault because I've largely developed the attitude that I don't have to wait till Thanksgiving to have turkey if I want it... and that sort of applies to other parts of my life and other holidays. I guess if I want to cultivate the excitement I should relegate some things to "Holiday-only," but at the same time that just seems silly to me, and also a wee bit dangerous because if we know anything about what tends to trigger my eating disorder and other issues, it's the whole "You can't have it now" thing when I'm craving any particular thing, be it food or yarn or whatever.

Anyhow, hope that you all have a good Thanksgiving that is free of family drama and filled with tasty food.

(Give me Sugar)

Oh, and Also   
10:53pm 18/11/2011
  I'm still sub'd to the facebook page for the CSA that I paid for half of with my aunt and this week is their last week, so they've been listing all week what's coming in the bags and things like "Get ready for your 30-pound bags!" and I'm just so pissed about it still



Going to write a letter to her in my journal to vent it out.

(Give me Sugar)

Congress wants to take away your internet.   
10:41pm 18/11/2011
  Originally posted by dynamicsymmetry at Congress wants to take away your internet.
Folks, I know you're tired of me yelling at you, but you should be aware that there's a hearing this morning being held by the US House Judiciary Committee on a "copyright" bill that will essentially break the entire internet.

You like the internet, right? I mean, you're here.

From the link above:

As drafted, the legislation would grant the government and private parties unprecedented power to interfere with the Internet's domain name system (DNS). The government would be able to force ISPs and search engines to redirect or dump users' attempts to reach certain websites' URLs. In response, third parties will woo average users to alternative servers that offer access to the entire Internet (not just the newly censored U.S. version), which will create new computer security vulnerabilities as the reliability and universality of the DNS evaporates.

It gets worse: Under SOPA's provisions, service providers (including hosting services) would be under new pressure to monitor and police their users’ activities. While PROTECT-IP targeted sites “dedicated to infringing activities,” SOPA targets websites that simply don’t do enough to track and police infringement (and it is not at all clear what would be enough). And it creates new powers to shut down folks who provide tools to help users get access to the Internet the rest of the world sees (not just the “U.S. authorized version”).

This is being framed as an attempt to fight hackers and pirates. Don't buy it. And don't think for a minute that it's going to stop there. This is bad. And at the hearing today, only one opponent of the bill is being allowed to testify.

Please do whatever you can to fight this. Email congresspeople. Sign petitions. Yell about it in every venue you can.



(Give me Sugar)

10:33pm 18/11/2011
  Well, as expected, I'm feeling yucky. I am trying to figure out why, especially the answer to questions like "Why do I feel so self conscious about having needs?" and such.

But mostly I just.. Ugh.

Okay, Jeremy's family likes to do a Christmas Wish List "posting" where they do sheets of paper or cards with everyone's names on them for people to fill out.

And.. well, it's a fucking pain getting anyone to fill them out. Everyone spends so much time worrying about what other people can afford, what other people want... basically they spend all this time wanting to make sure that they don't ask for anything for themselves, and I hate it because it makes me feel awkward since I don't see the point of all this pussyfooting around. Someone asks me for a wish list, I write down some stuff with a variety of price points unless they've already given me a price point, and that's that. There's ALWAYS something I want. I know that there's always something they want, too.

I know this isn't an isolated thing; there are a lot of people out there who don't like to ask for anything for gifts. But it drives me nuts here because the wall of wish lists not only isn't getting filled out, it turned into a passive-aggressive note fest. Jeremy's older brother wrote "I DON'T WANT ANYTHING" and then his dad put "TO BAD" (sic) Followed a day or so later by "SO SAD" from the brother and another response of "VERY TRUE" from Jeremy's dad. Speaking of good ole' dad, HIS list says "A maid so wendy doesn't have to be one"

I had my wish list up for a day or so but I ended up taking it down because.. well I feel awkward and I know it's silly and whatever but I felt like having it up there people were just judging me and.. I feel better just not having it up there. No one notices since there's nothing on anyone else's list, so it's just easier.

Still, sigh.

I hate how much stress the holidays bring out in people. And this family in particular, who spend so much time trying to figure out everyone else's needs without having to ask that they spend no time whatsoever on their own.

Ah well. Anyway, just getting the rant out... I'm going to try to go to bed soon and I wanted to vent. It helped.

(Give me Sugar)

I'm being too hard on myself   
01:55am 17/11/2011
mood: blah
I've been in a state of mild panic for the last.. I dunno, week, maybe? I can feel that the pressure in this house is building up- as it periodically does- and that has been affecting me; in addition, I'm off my meds completely now (Don't worry- I have an appointment with the NP at the beginning of next month- it's just going to be rough for a bit), so if I'm being totally honest I'm just not dealing with things very well.

And you know, yeah, it hurts to say that. I had been feeling pretty decent about my mental state, getting back to that illusion that I can control it and things, but the truth is.. I just can't. I don't know if I would be able to go med free in the best of circumstances, and these certainly aren't the best of circumstances. I hate that I am going to need to go back on medication, but the truth of the matter is, I am going to need to.

And I am tempted to cut the job/apartment search out completely until I am back on the meds, because as I said, I've been in this state of mild panic because I'm working myself up so much over this stuff. I don't know if I actually would do that, though, because I'm terrified of missing a "perfect" opportunity- or as perfect as you can get in this town, this economy, etc.

I am letting other people get to me too much, plain and simple, and I know a lot of that is because I am trying to distract myself from all the little things that are bothering me, from the aches and pains that Cymbalta used to take care of to the guilt over food and overspending to the stress of trying to decide what to put on my Christmas wish list.... I'm getting extra annoyed and picking up every little detail of what Jeremy's brother says on the phone simply because I am desperate for anything to take my focus off myself.

And.. to tell the truth I'm pretty sure that is what just about everyone else who is currently annoyed in this house is doing. Jeremy's mom is getting upset that after dishes are washed, more are dirtied (GASP!!!!) because she doesn't want to think about her hip pain or how she's not working. Jeremy's dad is choosing to focus on his mom's frustrations so that he doesn't have to focus on the blow to his ego that he's taken over the new job he got at the Air Force Base falling through due to cut funding. Hell, tonight he came upstairs to use the bathroom and told me that when he goes back to work I should limit my cat's late night playtime.. as if I actually am playing with him most of the time. I said I'd try, BTW, and got a snarky response about how he'd "Try" not to wake me up when he comes home for lunch.


And then of course, the worst offender, Jeremy's uncle, is choosing to flip out at the littlest things so that he doesn't have to think about how he's coming close to unemployment (seasonal work is like that) and how he's living with his sister and doesn't feel he has any prospect of ever meeting a woman and having a family at this point in his life. (I actually think if he could regain his confidence in that department he'd find someone, but he's buried his feeling of inadequacy over his last relationship under a feigned dislike of women.. amazing the insights you discover when you realize that 99% of the time people are saying things to distract from other aspects of themselves). No one in this house is happy with their life, so they're nitpicking each other to distract themselves.

I guess that realization does help, at least a little bit, to put everything in perspective. But at the same time, I can feel the pot starting to boil, and knowing this family, I also know that it's not going to be pretty. I don't think Jeremy and I are in any real danger, we'll probably get fussed at and that's about it; Jeremy's the only one who steadily pays rent, so they're not going to get down on him too much.

Phew. Anyway, I am feeling a little bit better after coming to this conclusion so I'm going to head to bed, I think. It is nearly 2am anyhow. Hopefully I will sleep better tonight than I did last night.

(Give me Sugar)

Ranty Rant Rant   
11:49pm 15/11/2011
mood: aggravated
Jeremy's older brother really gets on my nerves. I don't know if we clash because we are both oldest children, or because we're both kind of artsy, or what it is, but we really just don't.. mesh. We get along OK, but not in the living in the same house kind of way, and I wish he was in Canada already so I didn't have to deal with him.

And as I was fretting and venting to Jeremy (who agrees with me about the annoyance but is able to tune it out much better than I am), I finally figured out a way to articulate it.

His brother gets on my nerves the most because he has a complete inability to consider how what he says or does might affect someone negatively. He doesn't mean for it to affect anyone negatively, and therefore if someone feels hurt/upset/annoyed by him, it is 100% their fault. In his own mind, he can do no wrong. Some might say that he's developed this as a defense mechanism for a natural tendency to blame himself for things, but if that is the case then he is incredibly good at cultivating his own obliviousness in most situations. I'm sure it's not simple, but since I can't read his mind I can only go by his actions and his unabashed hypocrisy about so many things.

Anyway, he was annoying me tonight with his tendency to say offhanded things in this voice that has the effect of making you feel like he really thinks you are the weirdest thing on the planet and he is the perfect judge of everything normal.. yeah. Then he took his son home, and came back, and ranted for about an hour on the phone to his girlfriend about his ex and her friends that "watch" the kids, etc.

The thing is.. I wanted to smack him.. Listening to him talk about how he told his ex that her friends "have to go" and they aren't allowed to come over.. it's just like.. DUDE. You don't live there anymore. He actually said, on the phone, that he told his ex that she is REQUIRED to come home IMMEDIATELY after work ends. As if he has any right to control what she does with her time like that. I sat there and listened to him tell his girlfriend about how he laid down the law and shit, and the whole time I am just wondering how the fuck he finds it OK to act like that to her when he doesn't live there anymore. Yes, his son lives there- and he has a right to not have his son there with her friends or whatever. But just the sheer gall of him acting like he has control over who comes and goes from her home, whether or not she can stop somewhere on the way home from work, etc, pissed me off to no end.

He was acting so proud about it and I could tell his girlfriend was kind of getting uncomfortable; he basically expressed the idea that his ex should just quit her job ("What's 6 hours a week? That's pathetic") to watch the kids and all this stuff and I heard him trying to reason it out to the girlfriend, being like "Well it's only 2 days a week" etc but seriously? Not even a month ago I heard him complaining about how much of a lazy deadbeat the ex is, and now she has a job and all he can do is fucking act all high and mighty and annoyed that she apparently hasn't found babysitters that are up to his standards? No offer to help, or anything like that; he just figures it's her job to find appropriate child care if she's going to work, I guess. And since he can't be bothered to spend an extra hour with his son when her shift gets done at 8..

UGH. I just don't even know. He's so oblivious that it makes me want to smack him upside the face and just say "HEY! YOU! IDIOT! LISTEN TO YOURSELF FOR ONCE!"

He really seems to have no concept of how pissed off he'd be if someone treated him like that. He's so self-righteously clueless that it makes me want to scream.


Anyways, I'm off to bed.. and thankful that he's working 4 days this week so I won't have to deal with him Thursday through Sunday.

(1 Sugar Daddie | Give me Sugar)

Vet Visit today   
08:12pm 08/11/2011
  Well, I took Polyglot to the vet finally (which BTW is a lot cheaper than in NY), and they cleaned his ear and gave me some ointment for it that should take care of the problem so hopefully he won't be having itchy problems. They said that the canal was nice and clean and healthy but it looked like there was some irritation on the outside causing more wax production. They also said the commercial cleanser that I used a while back probably was just a bit harsh for him and that's why it seemed to make the wax buildup worse.

In other cat news, I think we've finally found a decent cat litter. The one I used in NY did not cut it for the small room here, even with frequent cleaning/changing, so I tried this "small spaces" kitty litter but it smelled like oranges and.. not in a good way. The new one we're trying has a much less offensive smell and if it helps keep the room from smelling too poopy, then it'll be a winner. It's supposed to be super odor-busting but we'll see.

In non-cat news, they opened a Sally Beauty here, so that is really nice because it means I have a place to buy the swatch wheels for painting nail polish on so I don't have to mess with my own nails.. but yeah. It's nice. Once I get a job I might even buy the card membership! GASP!


Anyway, a bit of a lighter post today. I'm still reading Health at Every Size by Linda Bacon and that has been helping me a bit emotionally. And I'm no longer ravenously craving chinese food so that is also helpful.

(Give me Sugar)

That freeing moment when it truly isn't your fault   
12:07am 09/10/2011
mood: calm
First off, before I do the main body of my post I'm gonna cover a few things. October is National Depression Awareness Month, so spread the word. Unfortunately the best post I've found on it so far is at a Nail Polish Blog, but hey, take what you can get. Bonus sparkly green nail polishes there.

Secondly, I had my first therapy appointment at Great Falls Mental Health and I have already hit it off with my new therapist. It is a little odd; apparently Montana has a few slightly quirky things in their mental health evaluations, and there's a HEAVY emphasis on asking substance/alcohol abuse questions, but I suppose that's a really big problem they deal with when it comes to people actually seeking help, so I guess it's not all that weird. My therapist also is an ART THERAPIST (ZOMG YAY) and runs a ED group, so that's pretty exciting. I like her so far, though I think her couch may be giving me back problems.. maybe I'll just lay down next time LOL.

Anyway, back to the original subject of the post. I just have to say that though the living situation here in Montana is not at all ideal.. I am so much less stressed here. I don't think I really fathomed the pressure cooker I was in at my aunt's house, trying to constantly be vigilant in not making her mad at me or whatever. Being afraid to get up in the morning because she might have left me a note, being afraid to nap at night because she might get mad about that.

And I finally believe that it was not my fault. She has her own problems that I can't even begin to fix, and living with her and those problems was making me sicker. No wonder I couldn't get shit done! My energy was so wrapped up in trying to avoid conflict with her, keep her content, etc, that I just didn't have any left over for actually getting better.

I mean.. I cannot even begin to tell you how good that feels. I have been writing her letters over the past week or so- letters that I will never mail, but I've just been letting her have it. I've been indulging in every angry, mean thing that I would NEVER say in real life to her and just going all out. It feels good. I finally took her off my facebook friends list as well, and while I'm feeling some trepidation as to what reaction that will bring, I'm just going to ignore any communication from her unless it is in the form of making amends.

Jeremy and I also finally left the guild that we were sort of clinging to in WoW because we're both really bad at getting out when we should, and I felt a few days of nervousness because the guild leader removed me from the retro raid (that he brings non-guildies on all the time anyway) and never replied to my in-game mail. but again, I realized it is not my problem. If he wants to be upset that we left (even though we weren't raiding anyway, or contributing to the guild much at all), then that is all on him. He was going to be upset no matter what, and HE was the reason we left anyway. He is a pretty good Guild Master most of the time- but when you get him into a raid he turns into a total asshole douche with no ability to lead or motivate people to go on. And that's why we left- we stopped raiding because of that, and there wasn't anything else for us, really, so we moved to the guild we have with Jeremy's family where we can at least help with leveling.

I've got one more story where I finally realized that it wasn't my fault. Shortly after I went into E.D. treatment for the first time, I lost a friend. She just up and deleted me on LJ, and stayed facebook friends for a while but never replied to me. I fretted and worried and tried to figure out what I had done until it was finally brought up this past march in partial that maybe the reason she stopped being friends with me was because she had the same food issues I did, and it made her uncomfortable that I had gone to treatment. And you know, even if that ISN'T the real reason.. it helped me to get out of my own head and realize that it wasn't me. It was her.

Seriously. I can't even begin to tell you how wonderful it is when you finally start believing that it's not all about you in those situations. I'm naturally paranoid, and I tend to always go over things thinking "What did I do wrong? What did I do to cause this?" but as painful as it is to admit, I can't control every situation, and while that royally sucks, sometimes being able to admit that I don't have perfect control over the world really can help me get over things.

Anyway, it's a process, but I think I'm in a much better place than I was a couple months ago. The location isn't ideal; I miss New York terribly. I miss Rochester, too, and having a reasonable expectation that a company might have a branch there; but realizing that my mental health is better has been really helpful in coming to terms with things.

And now that I'm getting things straightened out with therapy/meds/etc, I'm beginning my job hunt in earnest. I've got my resume done, some personal references, and I'm compiling work references.. and then I'm off to the races.

(3 Sugar Daddies | Give me Sugar)

02:24am 25/09/2011
mood: bored
Before I get on too far, I've got an appointment at Great Falls Mental Health on October 5, so yay. That's done.

Anyway, it's 2am and I can't sleep because my sleep schedule is wonderfully wonky (sarcasm) and I keep laying in bed wide awake thinking about stuff until my head wants to explode and then I get up because I can't stop thinking about whatever (sometimes it is a craft, sometimes it is a self-improvement thing, sometimes it is just a worry that I might forget or an urge to type).

Though I still don't have ideas about implementation, it is becoming clear what I need eventually to be able to be at least somewhat happy; clearly I need to get a job of some sort, not only to make money but so that I have some structure to my day. I SUCK at creating my own structure, and though having non-structured days becomes kind of addicting and I have this inner part of me that wants to rebel against structure, it really is the way to keep me going, keep me less depressed, and provide me with a way to sort of stay "on track" in terms of, well, everything.

I also need my own place. Well, my own place with Jeremy. This is going to be absolutely essential. Staying here, I can't help thinking how much I crave my OWN SPACE and my own kitchen and my own area where I can throw my stuff all over and not have to worry about other people being mad at me, etc.

And I need friends. I need to make IRL friends who I can hang out with and socialize with and talk to and just.. you know, do friend things with. It's not that I don't love my internet/long distance friends..... But I think I'm a social person deep down inside and I really crave that actual real-life interaction. Plus, I mean, I need to do some freaking ACTIVITIES. I'm so sick of just being on the computer all the time, you know? It's boring. I would much rather be out at a knitting circle or something. Just something social, preferably something that isn't food-related because.. well I'm not even going to go into that.

Anyway, yeah. I'm reading a really good book called "I could do anything if I only knew what it was" or something like that and it's really good, though I'm still not any closer to knowing what I want to do, it's helpful, and it gives me insight and also has helped me to feel less rushed about everything.. I can slow it down a bit, I don't need to get everything done this year or anything. And it helped me remember that what I really need is movement, so I know I'm working toward something, and not just drifting.

(Give me Sugar)

12:19am 12/09/2011
mood: amused
Well, I'm about to head to bed but I figured since it's officially my birthday I'd write a quick little blog post, and also show you guys the travesty that was our cake this past weekend:


I'll just leave that there for a while.

We got it at Walmart, which I know is probably asking for trouble but they've been buying cakes there for ages and they never looked bad. This is just pathetic though. And the worst part is that they left out two words originally (Birthday Bronwyn) so they just tried to squeeze them on there.


Anyway, complaints have been sent, etc. And we won't be shopping there for cakes anymore, because apparently their cake person quit or something. At least I hope that's what happened, otherwise something else really bad must be going on.

Anyway, I'm turning 27 today and everything and as usual it doesn't feel particularly special and I've already gotten all my presents (well, except the one from Jeremy but that's in the mail) so it's basically going to be just like any other day, except a bunch of people I only sort of know will wish me happy bday on Facebook. Well, people I know will wish me happy birthday too, but you know how it goes.

I'm feeling OK lately, I've got a plan for weaning off the meds that will hopefully keep the withdrawl symptoms to a minimum. And my cat seems to finally be getting settled in here, so that is another stressor that has eased off. We're still having to be really really strict with our money, which always sort of bothers me because it brings back childhood memories, but I'm just trying to be grateful for what we have, and not get too annoyed when Jeremy feels the need to say "We can't spend any money" if I decide to browse something at the store. Overall just trying to be understanding and conscious; I know he's stressed about it too, and since we want to try and get a car/place to live as soon as we can, it's tough on him to think about money. And it really cements for me the need for us to figure out a living situation where we are stable, able to support ourselves, and most of all, making enough that we don't really have to worry.. about money anyway. We're virgos, I'm sure we'll find other things to stress about :p

(2 Sugar Daddies | Give me Sugar)

Those days where you just wanna give up   
10:02pm 08/09/2011
mood: anxious
I'm having one of those days where I just want to give up on everything. I feel like nothing is going right- we're broke, I don't know where my next set of meds is coming from (waiting list at the place my therapist found), my eating is still out-of-whack- did I mention we're broke?

I guess I'm just having trouble with it because it is one of those transitional times when you're kind of waiting to find out what's going to happen on several different fronts and it just sort of eats away at you. Plus I'm having a lot of issues food-wise because I'm beating myself up for not eating good stuff, which really just leads to me eating more crappy stuff. Yay for effed up relationships with food amirite?

Anyway, yeah. The lady I talked to at Great Falls Mental Health was really nice, and she said I was missing a couple pages out of my application so she's mailing those to me so I can get those back in to her, and once I DO finally get in they're going to see if I can qualify for the Mental Health Services Plan that Montana has, plus Jeremy's going to find out how soon I'd be covered if we get married, so I have options I guess, but I don't know how immediate those are going to be... and I think no matter what I'm going to end up having to wean myself off the meds until I have everything straightened out. It just annoys me I guess since I TRIED to make sure everything was straightened out before I got out here, working with my therapist, finding a place to go, etc, but it all just went even slower than I could possibly imagine.

That said, I'm trying to distract myself with crafts, which helps but also sometimes reminds me that I can't spend money, which is always annoying but largely unavoidable. Jeremy's uncle got me a couple craft organizers for my embroidery floss as an early birthday present, so that's kind of cool.... I felt better once my floss was all organized and stuff. I'm kind of bored of the colors I have (Figures, right?) and rebelling against the big packaged floss, wanting to go back to my beloved DMC....

Trying to tell myself.. This time next month we'll be fine. Jeremy's dental work will be done, credit card will be paid, and we'll be fine.

I just wish I wasn't so impatient.

edited to add: I guess I should give myself credit; I want to give up, but I'm not doing it. So that's something. And I'm trying to give myself credit for that right now, so that's something else.

Edit2: Speaking of credit, can I just say that I friggen love my credit card? It is 100x more handy being able to just use it to pay everything and then pay the bill at the end of the month.

(Give me Sugar)

04:46pm 01/09/2011
mood: aggravated
Okay, I'm just going to complain for a moment.

I've been after Jeremy to buy new boxers since I got here and we went through the bedroom and cleaned stuff out, because he only has a few pairs and several of them have got holes in them- thankfully they're not stained (ew) but they really do need to be replaced.

Today at Walmart I tried to get him to buy a couple new pairs and he refused, and then he FLIPPED when he found out that I'd thrown away a few of the worst offenders hole-wise. He said that I was throwing away his property, etc etc and he'd find something of mine to throw away and then I'd understand how he felt.

Now, I flat out don't understand this. Can anyone else shed some light? If he found a pair of my underwear that was shot, I would be FINE with him throwing them away. Of course I also have a LOT more pairs of underwear than him, but still, if I find a pair that has holes in it.. I throw it away. That's it. Period. Underwear are cheap enough that there's REALLY no reason to wear them into the ground.

But seriously. Jeremy hasn't bought new undies in.. at least 2 years. Maybe longer. There were 2 pairs that I managed to convince HIM to throw out that literally had tears in them that exposed his whole butt cheek.


(2 Sugar Daddies | Give me Sugar)